Why I’ll never use eHarmony again

A review.

I bought my wife on the internet.

And she wasn’t cheap, I can tell you that. By the time she came around I’d shelled out thousands, dated a dozen different women, paid for dinners and drinks and entertainment. From what she tells me, she didn’t have to pay a dime. Thanks for the disparity and double-standards, eHarmony.

And the question I can see forming in all of your minds is, “But was it worth it?”

I’ll get to that.

I was done with the site. All those dates, and most were just kind of... well... awful, honestly. Just before getting a “hit” from Kara I went on a date with a woman who worked for the Post Office. Half way through dinner, after food and drinks had already been ordered, she told me she was leaving the next day to move across the country and take a job in a different state.

The girl before her ghosted me after one date.

The girl before that was married.

If I keep going back, this keeps getting worse.

So why did I keep doing this?

I’ll get to that.

I had decided to give up. I was done. This wasn’t working, even though I’d met women on various sites over the past few years, and had some good relationships. One of them nearly led to marriage—might have, if I hadn’t realized that I just wasn’t happy with her. No fault of hers, she was a wonderful woman. Though friends at the time noted that she didn’t seem to actually like me much. She wanted to change nearly everything about me. I’m not 100% certain, but maybe that was why I wasn’t happy. Life is full of mysteries.

So I was on the last few weeks of eHarmony. I was paid up through the month, and I was going to let it play out, just move on with my life. I’d meet someone the old fashioned way—let friends set up awkward dates between me and some third cousin, the kind of hookups that proved they knew nothing about me or their cousin, until finally two of us just randomly gave up and got hitched for lack of anything better to do. A traditional, small town courtship.

That only sounds cynical because that’s where my head was starting to go. Things got better.

Kara and I were both giving eHarmony “one more shot.” I scanned through the connections it recommended, sent a few overtures, got a few in return. I basically saw that Kara and I had a connection weeks earlier, but I was too busy with Post Office Lady and others to reply. Still... I had time on my account. Ticking down, but paid up. So I initiated a conversation.

We sent emails for weeks, but she wouldn’t let me call her. She had a hangup about it. And I’ll be honest, that was almost a deal breaker. Because I had hangups of my own—how could I be sure of who I was chatting with, if we couldn’t talk on the phone? How could I know if she was who she said she was?

It was our first “fight.” But who really knew, because we weren’t talking yet, and I didn’t mention it in an email.

Somewhere in all of this, I took a part in a movie. I was playing a character who was bald, so I had to shave my head. And I mean... shaved. Smooth as roll-on deodorant.

So, obviously, this was when Kara suggested it was time for us to meet in person.

I had a week or so. I strained, pushed with all my might, managed to get a layer of fuzz to grow. Nothing close to my beautiful curls and locks from my photos, but at least she wouldn’t be able to see her reflection in my scalp.

She suggested that we should meet on Easter Sunday. And, topper, we should meet at Houston’s Second Baptist Church for Easter services.

This was a test.

And I passed, though I actually had no idea I was being tested.

I had no problem meeting at church. Heck, most of the relationships I’d had in my life started at church anyway. Most of my dates happened at church, to be frank about it. At least, prior to graduating high school and going to University.

So I’ll be completely honest—this may have been a test, but I had no clue. It didn’t even occur to me that there was anything abnormal or unusual about any of it. I was more worried about being bald.

We met at the Starbucks across the street. She had an herbal tea, so I did, too. I kept the little tags, as a memento. I am, as one might say, sentimental.

I was worried about my lack of hair, but I needn’t have. She has admitted to me that she was silently judging everything I was wearing, especially my shoes. That’s fair. I wasn’t what one might call “stylish.” I suppose we’re lucky I was wearing pants.

We chatted, and we went to the service. It was a good one, I guess, because we were holding hands when we came out. And she let me kiss her when we said goodbye. And, finally, I had her phone number.

So despite the shaved head and the out-of-fashion wardrobe and the terrible shoes, the ol’ Kevin charm had won her over. Sucker.

And that was the last girl I ever dated.

So, was it worth it? Paying all that money? Wading through a river of bad dates? Having to wait just to chat on the phone? Taking the risk that she was really some guy named Barry? Being tested like some kinda romantic job interview?

Well... it’s been more than 19 years since that date. My hair’s grown back. My wardrobe’s improved. I rarely wear shoes, but when I do they’re at least kind of decent.

I guess what I’m saying is, for this review I give eHarmony a thumbs up and a positive recommendation. But I’m never using the service again.

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A NOTE AT THE END

It’s sort of remarkable and even stunning how absolutely different I am now from the man I was back then. Two decades can make a big difference, for sure. But what’s interesting is that I was 33 years old when Kara and I got married, and at that time I can’t say that I was all that different from when I was 20 years old. I was still living essentially the same way I always had, thinking about the same things, reading the same books and watching the same shows.

It’s having Kara in my life that’s made the real difference.

If you were to put Now Me across a table from Then Me, and let us chat, we’d have plenty in common. But we’d be excited about entirely different things. I think Then Me would be appalled at how much work I do. He wasn’t lazy, by any stretch, but he wasn’t all that driven, either.

We’d probably still geek out over the same movies and shows and books. But he’d find my interest in autobiographies and history and science books to be kind of dull, I think. I mean, he had an interest... but he’d much rather watch Star Trek.

I wasn’t as good about keeping up a journal back then, which is sad. It would be wonderful to see more of how I thought and who I was, in review. Entries exist, just not a lot of them.

But I do know that he would be amazed and proud and excited about my writing career. I know that he would be ecstatic over the number of books written, and the awards, and the bestseller status, and the number of readers. That would amaze him.

And I’m going to say, Kara was a big part of all of that. She’s always encouraged me, supported me, nudged me.

My life is what it is today because of her.

She was worth every penny.