What a raw episode. Thank you for sharing so honestly. I grapple with hope too. I've been trying and often failing to hope in the biblical sense (confident expectation) versus worldly sense (wishing on star.) There is a lot going on in this world that is hard to swallow and it seems like those things are punching me in the proverbial arm all day long to keep my attention and bring me down, down, down. And then, as a writer and entrepreneur, treading water and not feeling like I'm getting anywhere just adds to it all of those feelings.
Here's a little funny that might make your day better: You mentioned the "thing" you're waiting for and having shirts made for "just two more weeks..."
My husband was a living historian and known in those circles as "ultra hard core." Long ago, B.C. (Before Candace) he organized a march to Gettysburg. When "the boys" get together now they almost always bring up that march. There was a point when they stopped to catch their breaths and one of the men pointed to a peak off in the distance and said, "Wow, I'm sure glad we don't have to go over that!" My husband didn't have the heart to tell them that not only were they going over that hill, they were going over the next and the next... That became a phrase as they pushed on: "... just over the next hill..."
The boys later had tshirts made that said, "I survived the Sessums Death March." LOL!
Two completely different thoughts here, but I’m dropping them into one comment.
First: As writers and speakers, I suspect we know the limits of words better than most. Clearly, words are inadequate for the real vulnerability you shared. Still, I wanted to say something. I once wrote a post that boiled down to this: “When you don’t know what to say, it’s important to say it anyway.” So however inadequate it may be, I want to say that I’ve also carried the depression diagnosis, including the fancy word "anhedonia." I commend you for naming it and talking about it. Mine comes in waves. Just last week I hit one of those periods where I felt like quitting everything—just sitting in a rocking chair and waiting it out until life runs out. Intellectually, I know “this too shall pass,” but it sure doesn’t feel that way when you’re in the thick of it.
So just know, brother, I’m holding you in prayer. I hesitate to say that, because “thoughts and prayers” has become a euphemism for doing nothing. Even James wrote: “Imagine a brother or sister who is naked and never has enough food to eat. What if one of you said, ‘Go in peace! Stay warm! Have a nice meal!’? What good is it if you don’t actually give them what their body needs? In the same way, faith is dead when it doesn’t result in faithful activity” (James 2:15–17).
But in this case? We’re both just out here in our spiritual skivvies, and there's not a whole lot anyone can do about it. Maybe it helps just a little to know you're not alone.
Second: classic speaker’s parallel truths. How long did it really take to prepare that talk? The honest answer might be “ten minutes” or “thirty years.” It’s not off the cuff; it’s off the soul. Like that old story of the electrician who charges $10 for the fix and $180 for knowing which wires to connect. If someone thought your preparation was disrespectful, they just revealed how little they understand about where the real value you shared originated.
What a raw episode. Thank you for sharing so honestly. I grapple with hope too. I've been trying and often failing to hope in the biblical sense (confident expectation) versus worldly sense (wishing on star.) There is a lot going on in this world that is hard to swallow and it seems like those things are punching me in the proverbial arm all day long to keep my attention and bring me down, down, down. And then, as a writer and entrepreneur, treading water and not feeling like I'm getting anywhere just adds to it all of those feelings.
Here's a little funny that might make your day better: You mentioned the "thing" you're waiting for and having shirts made for "just two more weeks..."
My husband was a living historian and known in those circles as "ultra hard core." Long ago, B.C. (Before Candace) he organized a march to Gettysburg. When "the boys" get together now they almost always bring up that march. There was a point when they stopped to catch their breaths and one of the men pointed to a peak off in the distance and said, "Wow, I'm sure glad we don't have to go over that!" My husband didn't have the heart to tell them that not only were they going over that hill, they were going over the next and the next... That became a phrase as they pushed on: "... just over the next hill..."
The boys later had tshirts made that said, "I survived the Sessums Death March." LOL!
I will soon have a whole closet of life-saying T-shirts!
Two completely different thoughts here, but I’m dropping them into one comment.
First: As writers and speakers, I suspect we know the limits of words better than most. Clearly, words are inadequate for the real vulnerability you shared. Still, I wanted to say something. I once wrote a post that boiled down to this: “When you don’t know what to say, it’s important to say it anyway.” So however inadequate it may be, I want to say that I’ve also carried the depression diagnosis, including the fancy word "anhedonia." I commend you for naming it and talking about it. Mine comes in waves. Just last week I hit one of those periods where I felt like quitting everything—just sitting in a rocking chair and waiting it out until life runs out. Intellectually, I know “this too shall pass,” but it sure doesn’t feel that way when you’re in the thick of it.
So just know, brother, I’m holding you in prayer. I hesitate to say that, because “thoughts and prayers” has become a euphemism for doing nothing. Even James wrote: “Imagine a brother or sister who is naked and never has enough food to eat. What if one of you said, ‘Go in peace! Stay warm! Have a nice meal!’? What good is it if you don’t actually give them what their body needs? In the same way, faith is dead when it doesn’t result in faithful activity” (James 2:15–17).
But in this case? We’re both just out here in our spiritual skivvies, and there's not a whole lot anyone can do about it. Maybe it helps just a little to know you're not alone.
Second: classic speaker’s parallel truths. How long did it really take to prepare that talk? The honest answer might be “ten minutes” or “thirty years.” It’s not off the cuff; it’s off the soul. Like that old story of the electrician who charges $10 for the fix and $180 for knowing which wires to connect. If someone thought your preparation was disrespectful, they just revealed how little they understand about where the real value you shared originated.
So there. Both thoughts. Glad you're here.