Kevin, this discussion brought to mind something I heard on NPR recently. That is the difference between "forgiveness" and "reconciliation." I believe that is at the center of the problem.
The speaker indicated that forgiveness is an act of recognition that the person(s) who did you wrong is an imperfect being (like us all) and at that moment in time was unable to be someone different. You are forgiving the person(s) for that moment. It is a one-sided act (you are acting) and the benefit is to you. One hopes that in forgiveness, you can let go of the inflicted pain understanding it was a moment in time.
Reconciliation is an act that requires more than you. It requires both sides to accept culpability and to work out how they will move forward together. This did not, and it sounds like cannot, happen for you. In making the decision not to stay, there is likely no way to reconcile. There is no motive for the person(s) who harmed you to change. It also sounds like you have no desire to return to that job and work on reconciliation.
The speakers point on NPR was that too many people think forgiveness and reconciliation are synonymous. They believe if they forgive then life goes on together. However, there are many circumstances in which that is not possible and perhaps never will be. The speaker was talking about a relationship with his father who was an addict and caused great harm to him and the family over a long period of time. He is now in rehab (again). It took the speaker a long time to forgive the past harm, but he did so as much to free himself from expecting the past to change and to ACCEPT his father as he was, a broken person. HOWEVER, he has also accepted that there may never be a reconciliation (having the father back in his life) because he is still an addict and still on a journey to not be an addict. It is, at this point in time, unlikely either party could faithfully pursue reconciliation.
So, the next step is to accept that the desire to "make it right" is not something you have control over because it involves more than you. However, what is in your power is to allow the "forgiveness" to free you from the past. As you are a Christian, I will put it in terms I understand. When one is "saved" they are FORGIVEN for their past sins. Their promise is to henceforth live a life that follows the path of Jesus. It is understood that, being mere mortals, there will be times we stumble. But the times we stay firmly on the path helps us to see the obstacles in advance and avoid the stumbling.
Yes, it is true that every painful experience is tied to others and we can spend a lot of time mining that pain and finding all the connections. The question is does all that mining change anything? Does understanding all those connections change the past? IMO it does not. Can seeing the connections change the future? Only if you can change yourself and your reaction to a painful past.
For myself, I've learned to accept the past was a short moment in time in time when I was different (less formed) as were those around me. Just as I may choose to forgive things that happened and the people involved, I also have to equally forgive myself and the less formed person I was then. There are so many choices and intersections that I could have made that would have put me on a different path. I have to believe that though those other paths may appear with possibilities of being better, exciting, my longing for that change is more a reflection of being dissatisfied with where I am than holding a truth of IF I only--which is an impossibility.
That's just me. Your path may be different. I'm constantly relearning I must deal with the here and now and taking the next step along the path without stumbling. I have to concentrate on who I am now and where I am going or I will not make it to the next hill and I will not build my resilience for the climb.
I grew up in a large family and was smack dab in the middle of the child lineup. Lost and not noticed much, so bad deeds were punished but forgiveness-not so much. I never, as a result, learned the art of forgiveness. I still struggle with it, though I'm better at it. I've learned that forgiveness, when offered, actually does more for me, but is vital for both parties concerned.
But getting to the point of forgiving is so very difficult, it's definitely not in our DNA. It only comes from our Lord and Savior. But we still fight accepting the concept. You're right, Kevin, it's hard work. Offering that gift of forgiving to another when we have to humble ourselves (at least a little) to show our "under belly" to another hoping they'll accept our humbly offered gift. That's the scary part.
We can do it, we have to. I just wish we didn't have to do it so damned many times!
Nice, Kevin! I’ve never related well to the forgiveness thing… For me, I usually just have to understand the person… And then there’s nothing to forgive… I simply know who they are and it’s gone. No emotional charge… Just comprehension of how that might work to the best I can figure. People are just where they are. 🫶🤔🙏
Kevin, this discussion brought to mind something I heard on NPR recently. That is the difference between "forgiveness" and "reconciliation." I believe that is at the center of the problem.
The speaker indicated that forgiveness is an act of recognition that the person(s) who did you wrong is an imperfect being (like us all) and at that moment in time was unable to be someone different. You are forgiving the person(s) for that moment. It is a one-sided act (you are acting) and the benefit is to you. One hopes that in forgiveness, you can let go of the inflicted pain understanding it was a moment in time.
Reconciliation is an act that requires more than you. It requires both sides to accept culpability and to work out how they will move forward together. This did not, and it sounds like cannot, happen for you. In making the decision not to stay, there is likely no way to reconcile. There is no motive for the person(s) who harmed you to change. It also sounds like you have no desire to return to that job and work on reconciliation.
The speakers point on NPR was that too many people think forgiveness and reconciliation are synonymous. They believe if they forgive then life goes on together. However, there are many circumstances in which that is not possible and perhaps never will be. The speaker was talking about a relationship with his father who was an addict and caused great harm to him and the family over a long period of time. He is now in rehab (again). It took the speaker a long time to forgive the past harm, but he did so as much to free himself from expecting the past to change and to ACCEPT his father as he was, a broken person. HOWEVER, he has also accepted that there may never be a reconciliation (having the father back in his life) because he is still an addict and still on a journey to not be an addict. It is, at this point in time, unlikely either party could faithfully pursue reconciliation.
So, the next step is to accept that the desire to "make it right" is not something you have control over because it involves more than you. However, what is in your power is to allow the "forgiveness" to free you from the past. As you are a Christian, I will put it in terms I understand. When one is "saved" they are FORGIVEN for their past sins. Their promise is to henceforth live a life that follows the path of Jesus. It is understood that, being mere mortals, there will be times we stumble. But the times we stay firmly on the path helps us to see the obstacles in advance and avoid the stumbling.
Yes, it is true that every painful experience is tied to others and we can spend a lot of time mining that pain and finding all the connections. The question is does all that mining change anything? Does understanding all those connections change the past? IMO it does not. Can seeing the connections change the future? Only if you can change yourself and your reaction to a painful past.
For myself, I've learned to accept the past was a short moment in time in time when I was different (less formed) as were those around me. Just as I may choose to forgive things that happened and the people involved, I also have to equally forgive myself and the less formed person I was then. There are so many choices and intersections that I could have made that would have put me on a different path. I have to believe that though those other paths may appear with possibilities of being better, exciting, my longing for that change is more a reflection of being dissatisfied with where I am than holding a truth of IF I only--which is an impossibility.
That's just me. Your path may be different. I'm constantly relearning I must deal with the here and now and taking the next step along the path without stumbling. I have to concentrate on who I am now and where I am going or I will not make it to the next hill and I will not build my resilience for the climb.
May you find your way again soon.
That’s an interesting perspective! I’ll have to hunt that down on NPR. It’s a good take.
I grew up in a large family and was smack dab in the middle of the child lineup. Lost and not noticed much, so bad deeds were punished but forgiveness-not so much. I never, as a result, learned the art of forgiveness. I still struggle with it, though I'm better at it. I've learned that forgiveness, when offered, actually does more for me, but is vital for both parties concerned.
But getting to the point of forgiving is so very difficult, it's definitely not in our DNA. It only comes from our Lord and Savior. But we still fight accepting the concept. You're right, Kevin, it's hard work. Offering that gift of forgiving to another when we have to humble ourselves (at least a little) to show our "under belly" to another hoping they'll accept our humbly offered gift. That's the scary part.
We can do it, we have to. I just wish we didn't have to do it so damned many times!
Life lesson for all ages and circumstances. We must forgive ourselves. Praise God for His amazing grace and forgiveness when we mess up . Blessings. E
Nice, Kevin! I’ve never related well to the forgiveness thing… For me, I usually just have to understand the person… And then there’s nothing to forgive… I simply know who they are and it’s gone. No emotional charge… Just comprehension of how that might work to the best I can figure. People are just where they are. 🫶🤔🙏
I like this. And it fits with this whole “observation” idea I’m working on. I’ll expand on that in a future post, but this is a good perspective.